The Birthday Blues..
My birthday is a day away and I'm not too happy about it. I am happy to have another year. I am happy to have breath and life and love surrounding me. It's just that this cloud of sadness follows me around this time of year. My heart is heavy and my eyes are watering. My mood is painful and I literally just want to curl up in a ball. I also want to be celebrated and loved on by my friends and family. I want to dress up get cute have photoshoots and be playful because I. AM. ALIVE. I want to fly to a foreign country with blue water, white sand, green lush and medicinal plants. So I guess one could say my birthday blues are multifaceted (not surprisingly)..while relating to the "blues" in feeling and expressing this pain, I am hopeful for the blue skies that are available to me..
You see I'm turning 38..and that is not an issue for me. I am wiser and actively healing. I am fine as hell and I currently weigh in at numbers I haven't seen on a scale in 20yrs. I have started my own business and I am determined to have this year make me a millionaire. My mindset has shifted. My power is great. My husband is loving and my beautiful daughter is sheer brilliance at its finest. It's the pain of being an orphan that I find hard to metabolize today. My parents have been gone for 12 years.
Which means the only other people who I collaborated with to get to this planet have left me here alone to reestablish what it even means to be alive. To see birthdays as an isolating experience that causes me to question love, life, family, friend and internal relationships in general. If the people with whom I coordinated with to be here are not here to celebrate that moment which only the three of us share, who else can I expect to want to celebrate this moment? Who else can have that kind of connection to January 31, 1984 at 2:30pm at Deaconness Hospital? And the answer is a very clear, and stark, and big and fat NO ONE. No one will ever have a sparkle in their eye remembering that day again. Hell I cant even really recall any of those stories that are forever lost. AND the hospital where I was born and my mother ultimately died is a parking lot.. for the zoo. The insignificance of it all. It feels like the foundation of my existence has been erased and as someone who is big on foundation that is a massive heaviness to lift from my aura.
So I decided to write. Because for the past 12yrs I have wanted to know about my apprehension to this beautiful day. I have wanted to understand why I don't make plans then get sad about it, then do something last minute which usually means its just me the hubz and one friend or family member who decides they can make it. This perpetuates the heaviness of "nobody could even begin to celebrate my life because it feels insignificant" which is what I created, yet have the nerve to be hurt by. It's asinine. Add to this the various foundation wrecking experiences I've had to endure on my own; the St. Louis brand of racism(idk what you say shit is different-different here), sexism, classism, unmet expectations, the shoulds, comparison fatigue etc... which render me an unsure force to be reckoned with which is mostly detrimental to my own soul's liberation.
However, my blues are mine. They are beautifully blue in numerous shades able to reflect my pain and my sorrow and my hope and awareness all at the same time. I am determined to live a liberated soul life as I encourage you to do the same. I have learned that even though they are not here to share memories of that day with me, I have 18 birthdays with my dad and 25 birthdays with my mom and I am free to choose which blues are with me from this moment on.
When you shine your light on the darkness you carry, your healing is right there ready to be tagged in so that your evolution becomes more complete for your Self and your impact on others. Stopping to explore this heaviness provided me with a clarity that has helped me peel back the initial layer of this energy and I am eagerly awaiting how this layer leads to the clearing of many more. I am a deeply complex being who thrives off of love energy. It is up to me to create meaning out of all the love available to me. So 39? Blue skies. And 40? Well you just wait because those plans are epic. Sharron and Ronnie's eyes sparkle with my ancestors and connecting with them through our love has and will continue to save my life.
For the duration of this 38th lap around the sun I ask for your blessing. Help me grow a following of cultural creative women looking to heal their racialized trauma. So they are supported in knowing what they know and fully understand that the only permission you need to heal is your own. It happens in a myriad of ways but as a well being coach the balance of self given permission on the inside to the surety of your best chosen options on the outside is the light I am freely giving today. Share this with someone who needs it and ask them to share it with more people who need it. Help me grow my following to 3800 for my 38th. Because why not? The information holds the value not me.
So ashe’ to the people on the journey. I pray this stop was worth it. Because..well because you’re worthy.